I’m actually jealous. Jealous of those who can have this motherly love. I have lost this love for 11 years. I’ve grown strong and tried to live a happier life. But whenever I think of her, I still feel that part of my world is gone. My world cannot totally shine without her.

11 years ago, she left me and my little sister. She was really sick and we had not talk much, not even a last word. Thinking back about this scene really makes me feel depressed. I saw her breathed in and let go of her last breath right in front of my eyes. I was 15 back then.

She is living in my heart forever, but it does still hurt when I think back all the memories together with her. I was not a good girl. She used to ask me to give her back massages. I disliked it, just like how my sister dislikes to massage me when I ask for it now. Only now I do understand why she loved back massage so much. There are still a lot of things which make me feel regret for not treasuring all the moments with her.

When can we learn to treasure the things we have now before losing them?

I believe I’m strong enough to face a lot of challenges in life. But still…
Mom, I miss you dearly.

Incoming search terms:

• missing you

Mom, how are you doing?

Do I feel sad? No.

Do I feel bad? No.

It’s not because I don’t love her anymore. She lives in my heart and forever, she is with me. Life just have to move on, to create a better today and tomorrow.

Happy Mother’s Day =)

Incoming search terms:

• mother how are you today

“You’ve been a very bad girl, a very, very, bad, bad girl, Apple.”

That’s what I wanna say to myself. I’ve been acting strangely, weirdly or whatever you name it, lately. I love to wear gothic makeup (although not that goth yet). I even drink (which I rarely do so). I keep on thinking of doing crazy things.

Am I that stress?

I guess not. Just a way of relaxing my body, mind and soul. To gain some new life experience for my next level up. I’m loving this new style that I’m developing now.

However, I’m gonna wake up soon (from my emoness).

I don’t know if you have realized that my blog’s PR is gone once again since 14th Feb 2009. To say it doesn’t bother me, that’s definitely a lie. Recently I feel so depressed. I think the above illlustration summarizes all the reasons. Tomorrow is a public holiday (yay! Don’t have to go to office!). Hope I can make full use of  my time to contribute something to my blogs.

“What do you plan to do this coming Valentine?”, a colleague asked.

It’s gonna be a Saturday this Valentine’s Day. Unlike last time, I have to work from 10am to 7pm. Whole day gone already. What else can I do during the remaining few hours at night? Although I’m not young anymore, Viktor still set curfew for me.

It was 11.30pm. This happened just last night.

Viktor: It’s gonna be Sunday soon!
Me: Huh?!
Viktor: Another few more minutes later, it will be 12am!!
Me: …
Viktor: Still don’t want to come back?!!?!?!?
Me: o..o..going back now..

This is caring, right? But growing up in such environment seems like over-protected and not independent at all! My friends have “unlimited” access to whatever they want, such as: studying / working outside of hometown, hanging around with friends till late night….

Parents…

Since I had to work, I asked Cheese to bring him to the vet yesterday morning once I saw that both his eyes couldn’t open at all. We tried to give him treatment as advised by the doctor. This morning, I tried to fed him, it was hard for him to take any food. After work, I decided to bring him to the vet once again. The vet examined him and tell us:

“He is really sick! The organs inside is infected, that’s what causing problem for its’ eyes.”

“His nose is block! He can no longer take any food with his condition…”

“I’m feeding him glucose…” The doc continued, while shaking his head and sighing..

“I’m sorry.”

The last word struck me at once. I knew that Hammie couldn’t be here any longer. The doc said Hammie must be kept in a warm place tonight. Once reached home, I gave Hammie a blanket and watched him quietly…

Hammie was breathing heavily, unconstantly with his tiny mouth. He scared me several times as I thought he stopped breathing. Approximately 9.19pm, Hammie took a deep breath and pause a second. I thought I was loosing him. But for another half second, Hammie breath again, but a deep long breath…and finally let go his last breath…

The last breath scenario was just almost the same like what I witness 9 years ago, when my late mom left us.

I’m really sad about Hammie’s death. Hope Hammie can rest in peace. I’m glad that he doesn’t have to suffer any longer. This is a pic I took right after Hammie’s last breath.

4 (Orange, Cherry, Cheese and I) of us mourn for Hammie’s death. We put a flower icon in front of our MSN display name.

May Hammie rest in peace.

Hammie, I love you.

It’s the 9th year,
Thinking of you, I shed my tear.
If you were here,
I’d hold you so dear,
Just to see you cheer.

p/s: If you can read Chinese, you may want to read this as well.

Within this one year, apparently I have lessen the time I spent on games. But I I still gained some skill points. This year, I have learned how to configure Canon PIXMA iP1880 in Ubuntu. Thanks to my working environment, or else I would have never touch Ubuntu.

I feel a mixture of emotion, happy and sad mix together just like scrumble eggs. Happy that it’s a special day for me. Happy that I can challenge myself in a new working environment soon. Sad that I have to leave my God sis, Nana. She’s been the person who care for me the most during my time in the company.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me.

• Money
• Career
• Education qualification
• Family background
• Blogging (revenue generated, traffics gained, etc)

I think I’m on my PMS now, I’m living in stress everyday. My body is actually getting old that I easily feel tired and sleepy. Wake up as early as 5am every morning to prepare my lunchbox before work, and work from 8am to 5pm, then stay up till 9pm++ My body is totally exhausted by then. This seems okay for some time until recently my body is really tired that I don’t have the mood to even finish watching a video clip or play the exciting arcade Diner Dash game.

Oh..wait a minute, I think it’s because I’ve been consuming the meal replacement product continuously for nearly 4 months. Maybe that’s the root that cause all these. And in fact, I’m losing hair daily. (Am I having some sort of sickness or pure stress?)

It probably wasn’t a good start to “lecture” my sis for her recent behavior this morning. She is still angrying me, because she ignores me till now, and refuse to speak to me even I fetch her back from tuition just now.

“Why you look so sien recently?”, you asked.
Apparently my answer is not a wise one. You said if there’s problem, need to bring it up. I’d love to but I’m in fear. Just as expected, you gave me the look which I afraid of in return and walked away silently.

Call Rejected.
It hurts.

I’m just saying what I feel, or giving advices. Maybe I’m not that kind of influential people. I’m not 100% correct but will both of you listen to me for just a sec? Maybe I’m just over-concerned.

Am I materialistic? Every physical things we need, cost money. I’m not telling you to be a rich man, just if you could obtain a stable income, that’s more than enough.

It’s a sleepless night…

The morning sun rise was beautiful, but after that I will be all home alone (with a house maid at home though). I thought this could be a great chance for me to spend most of my time with Orange.  But he had promised his family that this Gawai, he will be back. So…no Orange nor Cherry…

Why am I not following? First, I was not being “invited” or asked if I wanted to follow.  Second, I thought it would be a splendid chance for me to be alone with Orange.  But I really didn’t know that they are going during the Gawai season…

After sending them to the departure entrance, I drove to aside, couldn’t resist to shoot a picture.  If there were anyone realizing what I was doing, they should think that I’m insane. LOL.

Today is the 5th day since Orange left, I am dying…truly. I meet him EVERY SINGLE DAY..and now 5 days without meeting each other. I can’t even reach him on the phone as there’s no signal in his kampung. Now it’s also Cheese‘s turn to suffer the same situation, because Cherry is not around and will be away for one week too!

I went to dye my hair yesterday.  It’s been around 2 years since I last went to a salon to get my hair colored. This time, I colored my hair..hmmm..I don’t know what color is that, but it’s deep brown series.  All together cost me RM115, including treatment. I’m quite satisfied with the outcome.

Kuma-kuma and I are waiting for the return of Orange….

Kuma-Kuma and me in new hair color.

Please…How I wish I could fast forward the time…